I didn’t receive good news last Monday. It wasn’t an all-clear. I had to stay at hospital a couple of days for them to conduct further tests to investigate some dodgy looking lumps and shadows in both lungs. Of course, my brain was all “Wah? Lung cancer?!”
Doctors made it worse by refusing to confirm or deny it was cancer. They said it’s usually an early sign of lung cancer, but “not always”. This got me imagining melodramatic scenarios. I think I even once imagined my own funeral. I hadn’t been in this situation before. My emotions and little fears were truly all over the place. Anyroad, I cannot deny that some tests were fucking painful. I have a reasonably high toleration for pain. I didn’t even blink twice when I accidentally broke a finger, but a thick-looking needle into a lung or a bone? I’m in a corner, whimpering. It was horrible.
I was finally given the all-clear check yesterday. All those bits in both lungs are harmless. Some are just new scars from having pneumonia. I wept like mad afterwards.
Honestly, I never cried so much in my life. Such a huge relief. I really don’t know why, but I felt I was given another chance. So melodramatic of me. I still have swollen red eyes and a headache from crying so much, but I don’t care. I’m happy that I’m basically healthy, and that I can get on with my life that I now appreciate.
I have been letting people down – left, right and centre – last few weeks. Especially Will. I neglected him so much when I was preoccupied with being sick and also, being upset last few days. I was truly horrid last few days. Very bad-tempered at one end and a weeping ball of self-pity on the other. I was so self-centred. He’s been incredibly patient and understanding. Same from the mites and Anna. I’m blessed. My time will be on delivering the cracked promises to many, and huddling with my family. I’m optimistic that it’ll all be back to normal by mid-February. Yay. 
Mites! New house! Books! Films! Friends! Twitter! Work! Normalcy! I can’t wait.
And Mr. Pneumonia? Please don’t bother visiting again. In fact, I’d appreciate it very much if you don’t see me for the rest of my life. Thank you.
I like the way you try to pass off a confrontation with mortality as “another boring update.” I have to conclude that if you were writing scripts for soap operas you’d hand over one in which half the cast were annihilated with the words “oh, just another boring episode.”
“I really don’t know why, but I felt I was given another chance. So melodramatic of me.”
Well, seeing as you could have died from the pneumonia, you have been given another chance. Maybe it’s hit you more with this false alarm than with the original illness because you’re less ill and so were more aware of the danger.
“I have been letting people down – left, right and centre – last few weeks. Especially Will. I neglected him so much when I was preoccupied with being sick and also, being upset last few days. I was truly horrid last few days. Very bad-tempered at one end and a weeping ball of self-pity on the other. I was so self-centred.”
You’ve been very, very ill and weak and in pain. Of course you’ve had to “let people down.” You’d have to had super-human powers of recovery (both physical and emotional) not to.
I think what you have been through — a serious debilitating illness, and then a lung cancer scare — are Very Big Deals. Try not to add beating yourself up to the list, since nature seems to have it out for you already, anyway.
You weren’t “preoccupied with being sick”. You were sick, which takes energy. Think of it this way: the more you look at your illness as a way of letting Will down, the more of a selfish bastard he appears to be. You don’t want random strangers on the interwebz thinking your lovely partner is an ass, do you?
See. Don’t you miss me?
Wishing you a speedy recovery.
Great to hear you are on the road to recovery. After my sister had her heart attack and subsequent valve replacement surgery on her 46th birthday the family has referenced it as her second chance. I’m sure Will and the mites are just so happy you are finally on the road to recovery but remember not to overdo.
@Laura
LOL! That didn’t even occur to me. I was thinking “Hm, last two or three posts were about my health problems. Getting boring, isn’t it?” and wrote the title.
Points taken. Thanks for putting it in perspective.
@Jessica
Point taken. Will can be such an arse sometimes, but definitely not in this department so fair enough. Thanks. Did I miss you? *thinking* Sometimes. Such when I want to smirk. You have always been good at providing those opportunities for me to do so.
@Talthor
Crikey. That put mine completely in the shade. *feeling humbled* Yes, I’ll take it easy. Thank you!
Maili…so glad you’re OK. I can’t imagine the worry you must have gone through.
Take it easy and enjoy spending time with your family in the new house.
Oh my gosh. Just catching up — I’m glad it’s nothing serious, and in that situation, I think you’re completely entitled to go a little nuts. That’s scary stuff.
I hope you can relax and have a few stress-free months now!
I just saw this. And I seriously hate that you were in pain and that you and your family had to go through that horrific period, but I am so happy that you were given the all clear. I miss you on-line and have been thinking about you a lot!
Good heavens! I would have bawled like a baby as well! Glad to hear that normalcy is (hopefully) right around the corner….
@SarahT
Heh, thank you. I’m taking it easy. Even the oldest mite calmed down his Kung Fu craziness, bless him.
@Meljean
Aw, thanks. Oh, I hope to have stress-free months this year, too! You as well.
(P.S. remember the Belgian friend? He still isn’t sure what to make of The Iron Duke. He asked: “Is this a tribute to Jules Verne and Edgar Rice Burroughs?” I’m still trying to figure out why he included Burroughs. I’ll have to ask one day!)
@Lynette
Thank you so much for that. So nice of you. Much appreciated. Miss you as well! Hope to see you on Twitter soon.
@Wendy
Hi ho! Thanks. Good to know I’m not the only one who would do it. Well, I did, but you know what I mean. Yeah! I’d kill to have normalcy back soon, but then again some are probably relieved to have a long break from my daily babbling. So it’s a win-win. I think.