A couple of mornings ago, a friend returned a pair of jeans she’d borrowed off me nearly six years ago. I thought it was so old that it’d better off binned, or used as a cleaning cloth for the garage or something like it.
However, I couldn’t resist trying it on.
Yup, that’s idiocy at its finest.
Still, in our bedroom I yanked it up while I expected it to be a tad tight. To my horror, it wouldn’t even go past my hips, let along my bleeding thighs. I was so shocked that I froze for a few seconds. A few yanks got me ponging around the room, trying to yank the jeans up. It still wouldn’t reach my waist. I think I made a few grunts and long-held breaths along the way. I kept reasoning: I had children. As time passes, people’s bodies naturally “expand”. Bones included. Friend accidentally shrunk it in a washing cycle somehow.
In the end, I lost some perspective went insane. I even laid myself on floor and with a few determined grunts, yanked the jeans up. Still didn’t work. After a few struggles, I had to admit defeat. I’d got big.
Last two days, I considered different methods of reducing weight. Bone density included. Read info sheets at weight-loss sites. I’d never been on a weight-loss diet before, so I was pretty much a babe in the woods. Calories. Carbs. Dos and Don’ts. Blah blah. I decided to opt for a certain diet type that seems to suit my personality (translation: allows laziness and no calorie-counting) and taste (translation: no beans, peas, baked beans, chickpeas, red beans, and all other forms of beans/peas). I also decided to put it in action this Monday. I of course informed Will this. He amazingly kept his face straight and said while he didn’t think I need to go on a diet, he’s convinced I’ll make a success of it when I do.
Yeah, well – I’d just received a phone call from the friend: she’s accidentally given me her seventeen-year-old daughter’s pair of jeans. My old jeans are still at her place.
HALLELUJAH!
‘I considered different methods of reducing weight. Bone density included.’
That sounds rather close to Aschenputtel’s Step-Mother’s Size Reduction Plan (i.e. cut off any bits that don’t fit into the shoe/garment).
And if you had managed to fit yourself into those jeans, wouldn’t you have had to buy yourself lots of new clothes, because you’d no longer fit any of the ones that currently fit you?
I’m glad they weren’t your jeans.
The oddest thing about the story is that the friend returned jeans after six years THAT WEREN’T EVEN THE JEANS SHE BORROWED.
I love that you reacted like that. I woulda done the same, only in my case, I def. have gained weight.
LMAO! Calorie-counting diets don’t work in any case – at least, for me, they never have.
I got back to my pre-kid weight but my shape has definitely changed. I’m hippier (meaning my hips are bigger, not that I’m more fashionable), and my waist isn’t as small as it once was. I still have a couple of pairs of jeans from a few years ago, but they are definitely a tighter fit than they used to be. I need to do my Davina McCall fitness DVDs more often.
@Laura
I was thinking along the line of shrinking bones, not chopping them off. Thanks for putting that sort of morbid imagery in my head with that link. (Are you secretly my gran, by any chance?) As for that clothes issue, I admit it didn’t even occur to me. I was a little preoccupied with the other issue, namely “I can’t be that much of a giant now!”
@Megan
Apparently she left my jeans in an airing cupboard along with her family’s newly washed clothes. When we were meeting up she grabbed the pair in a hurry, hence the confusion.
@SarahT
Yeah, mine expanded as well. I’m definitely more ‘curvy’ than my LBTM (Life Before the Mites) body ever was. My face has always been chubby (or rather, fat face) so my LATM (Life After the Mites) body is more in accordance with my fat face.
That is the funniest … saddest … most rueful blog I have read for many a day! I hate jeans. I hate my clothes. I hate that we can’t all wear a uniform everyday: white shirt + blue jeans (did I say I hated jeans?). But in a moment of madness I signed up for a 13 mile 1/2 marathon at the end of October so maybe I’ll fall back in love with clothes. Maybe!!
@Janet W
I suppose that’s why some went a little crazy with hair-dos, make-up, jewellery and such. Nowadays, I’m not that interested in clothes enough to love or hate them. I do hate it when it doesn’t fit. “Whyyyyyy?!” is my usual reaction.
Heh! I used to envy American kids at schools when I was young because they get to choose to wear any clothes they like. At our schools everyone wore uniforms. Mine: Summer – a blue blazer, light blue short-sleeved blouse, navy blue skirt, white knee-length socks, dark shoes. Winter time – same but with a grey or navy v-neck pullover and long-sleeved light blue blouse. At the other school – it was green and grey.
So brave of you to sign up for a marathon. Congratulations! I’ll be rooting for you.