Apr 262010
- Everyone – including hero and heroine – addresses each other by their first names, even immediately after meeting each other the first time.
- Parents are a) dead, b) bitter and twisted, or c) eternally widowed.
- Parents have no qualms in naming their daughter Mackenzie (or the like), or their son Devon (or the like).
- Five things heroines are obsessed with: a) a desire to lose their virginity; b) a need to protect their virginity; c) shagging heroes blind; d) saving the poor, and e) getting the hero to say “I love you”.
- Historical heroines are easily shocked when told they have to marry a complete stranger.
- There are five career options for heroes: spy, adventurer, war hero, Highland chieftain, and rake.
- There are four British time periods: Regency, Victorian, “Medieval” and Elizabethan.
- Everyone in the Highlands speaks in Scots.
- Everyone in the Highlands hates the English.
- The Highlands is Scotland and Scotland is the Highlands.
- A Highland-born hero automatically takes over his late father’s place as a chieftain.
- A ‘laird’ is a Scottish nobleman.
- All men in Scotland wear short kilts.
- The British legal system covers all three: England, Wales and Scotland.
- Everyone in working-class London speaks Cockney.
- Heroine’s idea of showing independence — have a job of her own; says ‘bloody’ any time and anywhere; does whatever she wants; rejects/ignores her elders’ orders without qualms.
- It takes only three servants and a butler to maintain a large mansion.
- Only towns that exist in England are London, York, Bath, and Brighton.
- Only towns that exist in Scotland are Edinburgh and Glasgow.
- Only towns that exist in Wales are… I don’t think Wales exists.
- No one goes to church on Sundays.
- It takes only a couple of hours to travel in a horse-driven carriage from London to York.
- There is no difference between the working class and the poor class.
- The gentry is no different from the aristocracy.
- Only weather conditions exist in England are sunny, rainy, or icy-coldy.
- During the Medieval period, heroine are a) psychic, b) healer, c) saviour of the poor, d) rich, or e) all four.
- During the Medieval period, heroes are a) knight, b) lord, c) spy, d) rich, or d) all four.
- During the Medieval period, everyone says “Nay” and “Aye”.
- During the Georgian period, heroes never wear wigs, coiffures or curls, not even for lavish fancy dress balls.
- Heroes have lol-worthy nicknames, ranging from Hawk to Ram and from Satan to Devil.
- It’s rarely cold in mansions, castles, and town houses.
- English and Welsh bastard heroes can inherit their fathers’ titles.
- It’s easy for hero and heroine to have sex anywhere in a servant-run mansion or town house.
- People of ethnic minorities don’t exist in the UK; when they do, they are usually lady’s maids or servants (and of course, best friends to heroines).
- Anyone can marry into the aristocracy and without social consequences.
- The majority of heroes attended Eton college and the rest went to Rugby.
- A title is a privilege, not a duty.
- A British nobleman can marry a non-noble woman without suffering social consequences and he rarely considers how it’d affect the rest of his family.
- Everyone measures walks with blocks.
- Heroines can be forced to marry against their will.
- Servants and heroines are best friends.
- Heroines can have a bath any time they want.
Brilliant stuff! I think I may have committed many of the above mentioned crimes in the first draft of my Victorian novel… but at least now I can put some of them right in the editing.
Many thanks, mate!
Oh, ain’t it the truth. I stopped reading in the 2nd chapter of a historical by a new, widely praised author because the hero and heroine were swearing so much. Yes, it is a Regency. Apparently if you have them say Nay instead of yes, they can swear up a storm in exchange.
I’ve been rereading Mary Balogh’s Wales-set books and loving them. Real class conflict, chapel v. church, aristos with a sense of responsibility, and set in the no man’s land of the 1830s and 1840s.
I think you might be wrong about this: “The Highlands is Scotland and Scotland is the Highlands.” I’m sure I’ve read at least one “Scottish”-set historical in which the Borders appears. However, it was so full of marauding Highlanders that, like romance hymens, it was probably located closer to the Central Belt.
I lubs you!
That is all
I don’t think Wales exists. . . Hee! Love this. Guilty of some of these, too.
AND if they are written by Georgette Heyer(stop denying you love her books)all the female characters not the heroine are silly.
@Portia
Thanks. I bet you didn’t forget the cold – especially when waking up during winter – during a time when central heating was pretty uncommon!
@Sunita
Ugh, I think I know which one you were referring to. I didn’t finish it either. I think it’d work better as a contemporary romance, actually. (Citing Balogh as a good example is cheating because she has an advantage over many authors!)
@Laura
lol! How can I be wrong if you’ve just provided proof that Scotland is basically the Highlands?
@Edie
Aw. The feeling is mutual.
@Megan
Heh! In fairness, there are of course Welsh-setting romances (I can only think of two authors who frequently used Wales as a setting: Mary Balogh and Margaret Moore), but generally, Wales seems extinct in the romance genre. And for a good reason, imo. Wales has nothing to offer. Bwaha. (Sue – only kidding so please don’t beat me up.)
@Wendy
Oh, that’s a good one. Forgot to list this: any woman who isn’t heroine is a) a meddling friend or relative, b) the Bitch from Hell (especially if she’s an ex-wife or girlfriend), c) shallow and self-centred, or d) so naive that it hurts. And I don’t love Heyer’s books.
I love you, Maili. I really, really, really do. This is simply brilliant!! My best laughs of the day.
Mea culpa: Guilty on medieval heroes being knights and/or lords.